I give up.

It's fine, I get it. This pregnancy is not an emotional or special experience for him. It's a responsibility. He's made it so amazingly apparent since is son got here four days ago that there is only room in his heart for one person, and that person isn't me or our baby.

No wonder I feel like crying all the time.

Clarification

Okay, so in my last post I feel like I sound extraordinarily whiny about my situation. I feel like I should explain our situation a little more fully.

When I got pregnant we knew that I wouldn't have health insurance right away, but by the time the second trimester rolled around I should be covered. Well, things didn't work out that way, and now I am 26 weeks pregnant and have only been to the doctors once, back in early February. We have have no birth plan, we have no doctor picked out, and I feel like it's time to start getting panicky if these things aren't sorted out ASAP. Not too mention that I already feel like I'm incredibly alone in this pregnancy, since I have no one up here where we live to talk to about it.

Well, we finally got health insurance through his work a few days ago, and if I was only 6 weeks pregnant I wouldn't feel the need to rush and book an appointment for the next couple of days. But that's not the case, so I need to get to the doctor. I have found a place that I would like to check out that is a naturopathic birthing center that does water births and we aren't sure if our insurance covers this place. So I asked him to call on Wednesday, the day we got the insurance, to see if it is covered, since I don't have an insurance card yet, and he has access to that information at work. Does he on Wednesday? No. How about Thursday? No. Friday? I mean, I specifically asked him to please please please call on Friday. Does he? No. Did he tell me about how incredibly slow it was at work all morning? Absolutely. Was I out shopping for his son and his mother all day? Cleaning the house for them? Setting up his son's room? Yes. Yes. And yes. Do I now have to wait till Monday to find out this information? Yes. Does that mean I have to wait even longer to see a doctor? Yes.

I know he forgot because he is so excited to see his son. It's been 3 months and he's dying to spend time with his little guy, I get it. But does that give him an excuse to forget to call about my medical care for our unborn child? I already know that I won't be able to take childbirth classes, but that his son will be enrolled in plenty of summer activities this summer when he is with us.

I mentioned this morning that I saw a changing table that I really liked at Ikea yeserday, (while I was there shopping for his son, of course), and his response?

"Whatever happened to just laying a towel down?"

If I said something like that about his son and the stuff he plans on doing with him this summer, (which all cost money, of course), he wouldn't speak to me for days. I'm beginning to wonder if this child will ever be in the same solar system of importance as his first child.

Focus

I should be more excited about his mother and his son coming up to visit today, but I'm having a really hard time tryign to muster the energy. I spent all day cleaning and shopping yesterday and have more cleaning to do this morning before they get here this afternoon.

Maybe it has to do with my decision that I can no longer afford to waste energy on anything other than focusing on my pregnancy. I wish we spent one tenth of the time we spend talking about his son as we do talking about this pregnancy. Maybe I'm just selfish.

Last night I saw the baby movements for the first time. I've felt the baby for months, but to lay there and watch my child kick and push was one of the more emotional things I have ever seen. Watching the baby move to wherever my hand was one my stomach, I could not believe that after all of these months of being uncomfortable I could finally interact with my child.

Buying all of this stuff for his son's room while the nursery is completely and utterly empty only exacerbates my feelings. It's a physical representation of where the focus in this household is.

Just some food for thought...

To My Husband,

Right now I'm tired of caring about the things that are stressing you out right now. Your son and your ex can no longer be my problem. I know that I voluntarily got myself emotionally invested in making sure you and your son have a happy relationship and maybe I should have distanced myself from the get go. But I didn't. And here we are.

I'm sick of you two fighting all of the time about something that does not need to be fought over. Get over yourselves. And to put things plainly, my body and the baby that I'm carrying should not have to be put through this nonsense. I'm stressed out on a daily basis and I don't think you fully understand that my stress and unhappiness affects my baby. Our baby. You talk about us becoming a family when the baby gets here and how excited you are for this to happen, and that's great. What you don't understand is that we already are a family. The baby I'm carrying is already here, even though you can't see it yet. He/she can hear things now, they can see light, they can process and respond to outside influences. So every time I cry and get upset, (which is happening almost every other day nowadays), the baby can hear me. I don't want our baby listening to me cry and you shouldn't either. And when you yell the baby can hear you. Is that what you want your baby hearing? We should be playing music and laughing and talking. That's what our baby should be feeling and hearing.

That's all for now. If you notice me distancing myself from your ugly situation, it's not because I don't love you, it's because I love our baby. And that must be my priority.

alone

So the soon to be husband had the day off yesterday and sometimes I wonder why I look forward to his days off so much. He sits on the couch and plays solitaire for hours, he's sarcasm get particularly irritating after an entire day of it, and then he gets frustrated because my mood rapidly declines throughout the day.

I end up just watching TV all day anyways, only I don't watch what I really want to watch. 

I know this sounds so whiny, but he works so many hours during the week, hours he doesn't have to work since he voluntarily stays late every day because he just doesn't know when to say enough is enough. He's gone 13 hours day most days and I don't know anyone here. 

And since I don't have a car or any other way to go anywhere during the day he ends up being the only person I ever talk to, except for my friends and family on the phone. 

We've lived here for a little over a month now and I literally haven't talked to anyone except him since we moved here. It doesn't help that we have somehow managed to find the most unfriendly neighbors I have ever encountered. These people not only don't approach their neighbors, they go all out to avoid them. Even when walking my dog other dog owners will go out of their way to not have to interact with me or my dog. It's bizarre. It's very pretty here and green, but part of me hates living here. I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble with someone who can't play the part of my only friend, he's just not made from that mold.

Ultimately I'm incredibly lonely. I guess that's what all this boils down to.